The one that just passed, I wouldn't call it a BGR. More of a fling/affair, but anyway it is still a form of relationship.


And the last normal BGR relationship, one that I thought would lead to my marriage.

I don't know where to start. Well, let's just call the person involve in the fling/affair Mr. J and the marriage Mr. S.

I guess the best way to start is by chronological order.


So we start with Mr. S. We dated for 2 years. I honestly thought we would end up getting married, although I was his first love (He wasn't my first though). I think he feels the same way, but of course we don't know what will happen to us in the future. This is the first time in my life that I saw someone as a potential life partner.


I started this break-up thing, one of my tantrums, but he initiated it. I know it is my fault, but until now we are not on talking terms. Well, we didn't really break-up very peacefully, so we haven't been talking to each other ever since. I think I did mentioned this before. The reason I don't want to talk to him is because of my pride. Until now then I realise I put too much pride on myself. I just cannot get over the point that he moved on so fast. To be exact, he moved on much faster than I did. While I was still nursing my wound, he found himself another girlfriend. Although I have moved on, I still keep harping on this. All because of my pride, I don't like to lose, I don't like to admit my failure.


But I well know that I am the one who caused all these. I am more of a taker, not a giver. I expect my boyfriend to give in to me most of the time. I am just too used to being pampered and getting everything in my way. At the beginning of relationships, when all is still sweet and loving, you cannot see the flaws of your partner. Perhaps this is what they call blinded by love. But as time goes by, the love starts to reduce, you are not so blinded as you once was. Also, you start to take things for granted. End result, quarrel, then break-up.

Actually, partly the reason why this thing came back to me is because of my very close friends (they are a couple, but they are both my very close friends). The girl once told me every love has an expiry date...once it expires...it will be over...and there is nothing you can do...but no one can predict when this expiry date will come... And the guy is starting work now, while the girl still studying. I look at their relationship is just like looking a my relationship with Mr. S. It is suprisingly (and probably scarily) similar. I used to blame my break-up on the fact that I entered university, and he is still working in the Air Force (he signed on), which on a certain level, played a part in drifting the distance between us. My guy friend complained to me about the girl not wanting to go out with him. I was literally laughing to myself, it sounds like what Mr. S used to say about me. But then, I know the both of them will work out. I am just waiting for their wedding dinner. :)

So after this relationship, it left me very heart-broken, and took quite a long while for me to finally move on. But this turned me to quite a materialistic woman. To me, until now, leading a comfortable life is more important than me loving the guy. As long as he gives me his attention, gives me the money, isn't that good enough? Relationships are just tiring, why not just accept whoever comes next with really good quality? Why bother thinking if you have feelings for him?

Then comes Mr. J. Well, my relationship with him is just complicated, and it is classified as a stray in my track record. But it may well be a scar in my life.

I don't want to talk much about Mr. J due to the complicated nature of our relationship. But I just want to say he once made me a very happy woman. He probably did alot of things a woman would want a man to do. He opens my canned drinks for me; he holds my hand while he drives; he gives me a kiss on the cheek before I get down from his car; I get to watch the man drive so confidently. These are things that I didn't get in previous relationships, well due to my age (still young in a certain sense, to own these big men's toys).


I once believed everything he said to me, but I am quite skeptical now. But then, I choose to remain naive and believe in it. I was never really serious in this relationship though, it came quite sudden, didn't have time to think about it, or rather don't want to think about it.

So basically the relationship flopped. I wanted to lead this kind of life, carry on having this kind of ambiguous relationships. Afterall, it is fun and exciting. But then how long more can I lead this kind of life? The fun and excitement will be gone when you grow old.

Perhaps it is time for me to return back to my normal kind of life, just being a normal university undergrad. Back to my restrained self, afterall I have once tasted the fun. I found my motivation to return to normal, but I think this motivation will turn out to be a dissappointment as well.